You know me. You understand how I think, or at least I believe you do. Either way, this is probably the only clear view of me there is. And even with this fact, no matter how hard I try, I'm never where I want to be.
It's always like this. Infatuation, obsession, hopeless romanticism, call it what you will, it always ends up this way. Show me the least bit of attention and watch me go head over heels. Am I really so attention starved that just a few compliments peppered here and there throughout some conversation attracts me so very much? Am I so stupid as to believe I have a shot with any person that shows the slightest interest in me?
I must be. Despite how I recognize my irrational behavior and thought processes, I still fall prey to my own horrible habits. Why do I like someone I've only met twice? Sure, there's that great smile, pretty eyes, and awesome personality but I still don't know who they are as a person or friend. And yes, I was given attention but that doesn't mean there is interest in me.
I know I need to stop equating being nice with being interested, but how can I tell the difference if no one has been interested in the first place? I feel as though I am the easiest person to seduce. A little flirting throws me for a loop and I am in your clutches.
I need to sleep. My body is drained, sore, and ill. It's only at times like these, when I'm already physically vulnerable, does my mind decide to let loose the deluge of stupid thoughts that I hate myself for.
The times you feel most alone are the times when even your body and mind betray you.
I often wonder what's wrong with me. I have no drive most of the time and even though I realize the magnitude of my actions, I just can't bring myself to actually do what needs to be done. Everything is rushed and last minute despite the fact that I have all the time in the world. I ask myself "Why aren't you smart like your friends?" I mean, the people I'm surrounded by are people with majors/minors like neuroscience & biology/psychology & philosophy, advertising & psychology/women and gender studies, or pre-medical students focusing on biochemistry and psychology or something.
I know i shouldn't compare myself to them and do the best I can, except I know that I'm not doing my best. I feel like sometimes as much as I know and need to try, I really just can't. It's beyond feeling like a failure, failures at least try and don't succeed. I don't even get to the end result. I really don't know what's wrong with me...
Sometimes when you wish for things, those wishes build and pile up until they finally come true. However, if you wish for the same thing over and over, that wish gets magnified by the same amount. What ends up happening is when we're together it's great but when we're apart I get vicious. There's no turning me around. So now, here is where I make my decision. Do I let it wilt like a cut flower, slowly dying, while cherishing it in the future? Or do I instead try to graft it onto my own life, trying to keep it alive?
It's hard to say when what you've wished for isn't want you wanted. It's hard to think when what you've got is what you've always dreamed of, but isn't as nice.
Future sight would be such a nice gift, even if I'm trading it for all the excitement of life.
For the short time I have been alive, I have experienced much. That which I have seen and done no doubt have created the person I am today. Yet much of what I have gone through is often experienced much later while conversely that which I have yet to experience should have already occurred.
What I mean to say is that the events that build up my life story are often ones that 'adults' experience later on in life. At the same time, the basic things I have yet to feel for myself are said to be an inevitable part of my youth. I'm only able to experience these things through images and stories shared by my friends or portrayed through the media. That which I long for seems so abundant all around me, yet still I have yet to have it for myself.
It's funny when something once held so dear becomes something so easily given away. The one moment imagined as something inexplicably fantastical is nothing but a mere cliche. Maybe the moment isn't what should be cherished. Maybe the person sharing the moment is what's important.
The higher I try to climb, the further I slide down. Two steps forward and three steps back. It seems in some twisted way I've been buried under despite my careful planning. Little by little, chipping away at the mountain, a reprieve is all I desire. Empty is how I want my plate, full is the reality. One more day, just pushing through. I suppose sometimes your speed is stuck at slow.
Try as I might, it's just spread on too thick. All the little rivulets of understanding are getting filled in and somewhere the seashell message is getting lost. I swear if you could find it and put it to your ear, you would hear what you need to hear. Just know that no matter how hard it is, what you need to hear isn't always what you want to hear.
I tried to be realistic, tried to keep it in the moment, but visions of grandeur and fantasy often overtook you. I suppose I should have been more like you (considering where I'm left is not where I would like to be) but at the same time, I did it for you. I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe I should have been more forceful, maybe I should have set the line straight. I should have stopped guessing and worrying about the unknown.
They say that when you know someone, when you really really know them, everything is in sync. But everyone has skeletons in their closets and no one is completely truthful. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, when the end comes how many secrets are left untold?
When you can't see over the hills, when the end is unpredictable, how sure are the decisions made? What if everything done has been in vain? How is hope kept alive and nourished when nothing is given? When wishes wither and dreams fade away, the body becomes a shell and the mind lives no more. Resignation to become a machine, working towards a goal that means and fulfills nothing. The first day of darkness has begun.
Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.
Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.
I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.
Just another unknown out of millions letting out everything I can't. I guess here is where everything that I'm so unsure of goes as well as anything I so happen to stumble upon. Just maelstrom of thoughts and emotions, a bit of mindless writing, and a dash of nonsensical feelings.