Thursday, September 24, 2009

Sans Dormir

Or Without Sleep

So, I didn't sleep more than like 3 hours last night so I should be intensely tired, yet I'm only kinda sorta. And since I am only kinda sorta tired, I know that it's deep exhaustion. I got back from my freshman forum shared experience show. (Telling you which one would be just too easy, don't you think?)

I'm really lonely. Wow, reading that alone makes me feel so pathetic. Regardless, I am. Yeah, I have my friends and all but there's no one for me here. I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can hold and that will hold me. I've yet to be in a real physical relationship and I just need to know if that's really what I'm missing. I know that they're not all sugar kisses and roses. I know they're hard work and often more trouble than their worth, but I just want someone who likes me for once. I want to have someone who wants more than just a fuck (not that I've ever done that. I am still very much so a virgin.)

I don't know. A lot is going through my head right now.

La nuit passe avec mes rêves

or The Night Leaves Along With My Dreams

This blog hasn't been shown to anyone so those who stumble upon it do so either searching for it or just by chance. I suppose it's just a little experiment to see if any of my friends can find it.

I'm afraid there really won't be a theme to this other than the random happenings going on around my life.

I'm just an ordinary teenager going to a university in the Northeast. I'm half-Vietnamese & half-Chinese but raised 100% Vietnamese culturally. I'm semi-fluent in the language but English & even my 3rd learned language, French, surpass my native tongue. I'm removed from my culture outside of my family & really don't fit into a group like a lot of other Asians. I am extremely cynical, opinionated, & pessimistic. I'm not one to take things lightly but I do joke around far too much. I'll go on rants & raves but often times I'll be the quietest one you know. I'm still waiting for something I know needs to be worked for while also looking for something that isn't coming. I have the worst self-image yet preach self-respect & acceptance. I am a paradox in it of itself & a puzzle that has never been nor will ever be solved. I'm serious & messed up while being light at heart & simple. I'm high, low, medium & zero maintenance all at once & you'll probably never ever have as many issues with one person as you will me. In the same respect you'll probably never encounter someone who does the things I do just to resolve an issue. I'm over confident while having zero confidence & am rarely ever one to boast. My credo is to not complain unless you're going to do something about it yet still I'll go back on my word. I'm as full of angst as any other teen but I'm not one to fit to the stereotype. I'm artsy & superficial while being down to earth & straightforward. I'm blunt & hate talking about myself, getting almost sick at writing this. I hate boasting & yet this entire thing sounds like naught but one big brag. I don't sleep but when I do it's usually forever. I adopt a 4 to noon during free-time & suggest you not ask what it is I'm doing in the early morning because I honestly don't even know. I often stay awake for days & still ask myself "Why?" Hard to comprehend, almost worse to describe, & you'd never know everything I do is done after a seemingly endless war in my head. Ever decision is a regret that comes back ages after occurrence yet I dwell on nothing. I'm confusing as hell & you'll never know what's going on in my head. So, welcome to the chaos.

I'll break into French every now and then but I'll always provide as accurate a translation as possible. Give me a shout out if you do so happen to read this, it'd make me feel good that someone out there knows I exist haha.

As of right now, I'm tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. My bad habits are catching up to me and I don't quite know how to stop. College is bearable but getting increasingly more difficult, as expected. The only thing that needs to change is me, but even I'm not sure if I really want it...