Tuesday, November 24, 2009



When they dwindle, when they burst. An inferno or just fading embers. Whether it's a slow start or a massive combustion. As much as I may say that it has died, it will always be there. Whether as the smallest spark of flame or blazing incandescence, it's always alive.

Oh, by the way, Nyx is better.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


To Be Necessary

The latest musical obsession is "Wedding Dress" by Taeyang of Big Bang (solo album)

So next year's schedule is absolutely amazing and I am so excited but at the same time, I need to pass my probability and statistics course or else a lot of it falls apart (especially my major, psychology.)

I'm having a lot of doubts and conflicts as well as self-loathing (surprise surprise.) I stayed up all night again, getting pretty much no work done. I know no one will be pleased with this semester's final grades, but whatever gets me by, right? I mean, I should do all that I can but at the same time I have no one to blame for all my shortcomings but myself and that more than anything hurts like a stab wound in the stomach. I just can't get rid of these stupid feelings and thoughts nor can I separate out the things I need to. I feel like my shell is caving in, and it really couldn't have chosen a worse time.

I need to buckle down and get all this shit together, or I am fucked.

On a side note, I am really worried about Nyx. He texted me saying he had a throat infection on Monday and that he was pretty much bed ridden. I know it's only been like 3 days but you know me. I'm like Mister-fucking-Mom. I worry like crazy and over-react and over-think. I really do hope he's okay.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Thursday, November 12, 2009



What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Like the Blinking City Lights

Hours after hours, bouncing back and forth, things moving when we know they aren't. After a bit of thought, everything just rests at okay. Neutral? Still? Silent? Who knows? I just know it's beautiful in its cruelty and simplicity. I know it's sad and pathetic in its grace and magnificence. Too flowery? Maybe that's the way it should be. The night passed without incident though thoughts still rage on and on. It's been another night without sleep and I shouldn't be here.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

I'm an idiot.

I've never been like this. Or rather, I don't ever recall having ever been like this. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. I guess it'd be best to go from the start, right?

So a little while ago, no more than a week or two's time, I was online in a chat and came across someone we'll name Nyx. Now definitely, Nyx caught my attention right away. The smile, the face, the hair, everything. Literally perfection. A smile that's like a net and a sense of humor to die for. Anyways the second I saw this kid, I knew it would be someone I liked. So soon enough, I turned on the flirting, there was reciprocation and then bam, we're together but not labeled or anything. People would ask and all I could say is that I'm happy when talking to Nyx and that it's Nyx that puts me in a good mood.

Now, a little bit ago I hadn't talked to Nyx for a whole day (oh wow, such a long time. I know, I'm pathetic) and began, as I always do, to over react and just generally be sad. Everything was just generally sucking at that point and of course this just had to be the icing on the cake. If there was any simple way to describe the way I was, it would be like me being a pathetic love sick school girl and Nyx being the senior who I couldn't possibly touch. Obviously I was being stupid as I do this often and again, I assume too much.

The thing is, I hate feeling like this. I hate having this stupid feeling in my stomach just wanting so much to see someone or wanting so badly just for a little bit of attention. I hate how if I'm not the center of attention sometimes, I just get angry. I don't know why it is but I just act this way and I don't fucking like it. It's been so long since someone has liked me and I don't know why it just somehow whips me. I'm a slave to a need for attention and even more so for someone's compliments.

Fast forward to now, where Nyx and I are good (I assume...) as I sit here mulling over stupid shit I shouldn't and feeling stupid for things I've done and things I'm thinking. I can't believe that I'm just doing the same stupid things over and over again. I teased an adorable person named E who I have a significantly higher chance of getting with earlier and as good as it felt while I was doing it, I not only feel like shit for kinda semi-leading E on but also for the fact that I did it while 'with' Nyx. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head regarding actually going out and doing something with someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick and tired and just over all shitty while my mind is slowly just fucking me over and over again and I have no fucking clue what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with all this bullshit going on.

Again, I'm doing something and getting into a situation where I can accurately predict the outcome and my own devastation yet still I can't stop myself from wanting that slight moment of pleasure and ecstasy. I get such a high off of positive attention and if I'm offered even just the slightest taste, I run towards it without a care in the world, full well knowing the inevitable risks and consequences of my actions. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings and these thoughts. I hate being a slave to something so fucking mundane. I hate how my vice is just a compliment that helps me feel better about my pathetic stupid self-image.

Fuck me. Just fuck me and everything I do to myself.