Rejouer

Or Replay

I really don't know what it is I'm doing lately. My mind is a swirling mess and I'm so completely out of whack it isn't even funny. I guess I should start from the beginning and in what context this is all in.

So, my last relationship was about three years ago (KB and I were together for almost two years, until KB passed away) and since then I've been in this state of romantic limbo. It's not as if I don't want a relationship, that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not being celibate but at the same time I'm okay not being involved with someone. Essentially, I've just been neutral. It seems like a state of apathy while I just dream on and on.

Anyways, something you should know about me is that while I can understand the psychological bases of my behavior and actions, I still can't stop them or myself. I know I'm attention starved and I know it's because I've been without it for so long. If any attention is given to me, I get giddy. I want to just be liked for once so once someone starts showing me any sign of attention I just get ridiculously happy.

This person we'll name J has shown a lot of interest in me. J flirts so hardcore and just seems really into me. The only issue is that J is a senior as well as thinks a bit too much about sex. I'm a virgin and could count the number of my hookups on one hand. Like I wrote about myself, I'm realistic and really skeptical about the clichés of relationships and such but I still want, perhaps even crave the 'special first time' or something. I still, stupidly enough, hold on to the 'it needs to be special' belief for some reason. I'm already regretful about my first kiss back in '08 and I don't want to look back on this as another regret.

The thing is I just don't know if I really should keep holding on to that "I want my first time to be so special" sort of idea because I feel like it'll end up biting me in the ass. It's just....since KB, I've been so neutral (bad word choice but I think you know what I mean) I just miss having someone like me. And when I say that to my friends here, they just really don't get it. They don't understand the romantic context. It's why anytime I get any sort of attention I start to glow. Just missing someone who wants to be with me to be with me.

Sometimes it just wrecks me. I just look in the mirror and laugh at how flawed I am. Sometimes I look at myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I'm just left wishing and pining away, as usual. Since KB left, I'm still left with that huge void of someone who used to always be there. I miss just how much KB cared for me. It's been years and KB's death no longer hurts me like it used to but still, I'm without the emotional healing I truly need.

I guess you could say I live off of the emotions others give to me. My friends really can only get me so far. Take for instance this person on my floor we'll call them TP. With my group of friends here TP fit right in. Intelligent, funny, and really nice. Best of all? TP actually likes me. But, of course, TP isn't interested at all. In the sense that there is a zero percent chance. So of course at the beginning, before I knew of TP's impossibility, I was crushing hard. I mean, it's not to say I don't hope one of these days TP will just ask me out, I just know it'll never come. I'm just sick of being disappointed and almost 'teased' by whatever powers that are out there and waiting for a relationship that will almost surely never come (not specifically with TP but in general.)

And so, the self-destructive cycle starts all over again or, rather, it just continues. I listen to songs I know will make me sad but I still can't stop no matter how much I try. I'm looping this song over and over again, even though I know it doesn't help my mindset in any way. I think back to how it used to be and how much I miss the days long gone. I mean, I can't say I've been trying super hard but sometimes I just think about it. I wonder what it is I could do or what I'm doing wrong or not doing. I wonder what it is that's so wrong with me. I stare at myself and find every single flaw. I rip myself to pieces and still there is nothing. I know that it's destructive. I know that it's bad. But I'm starting to think it's the sole thing that keeps me going.