Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.