I'm an idiot.

I've never been like this. Or rather, I don't ever recall having ever been like this. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. I guess it'd be best to go from the start, right?

So a little while ago, no more than a week or two's time, I was online in a chat and came across someone we'll name Nyx. Now definitely, Nyx caught my attention right away. The smile, the face, the hair, everything. Literally perfection. A smile that's like a net and a sense of humor to die for. Anyways the second I saw this kid, I knew it would be someone I liked. So soon enough, I turned on the flirting, there was reciprocation and then bam, we're together but not labeled or anything. People would ask and all I could say is that I'm happy when talking to Nyx and that it's Nyx that puts me in a good mood.

Now, a little bit ago I hadn't talked to Nyx for a whole day (oh wow, such a long time. I know, I'm pathetic) and began, as I always do, to over react and just generally be sad. Everything was just generally sucking at that point and of course this just had to be the icing on the cake. If there was any simple way to describe the way I was, it would be like me being a pathetic love sick school girl and Nyx being the senior who I couldn't possibly touch. Obviously I was being stupid as I do this often and again, I assume too much.

The thing is, I hate feeling like this. I hate having this stupid feeling in my stomach just wanting so much to see someone or wanting so badly just for a little bit of attention. I hate how if I'm not the center of attention sometimes, I just get angry. I don't know why it is but I just act this way and I don't fucking like it. It's been so long since someone has liked me and I don't know why it just somehow whips me. I'm a slave to a need for attention and even more so for someone's compliments.

Fast forward to now, where Nyx and I are good (I assume...) as I sit here mulling over stupid shit I shouldn't and feeling stupid for things I've done and things I'm thinking. I can't believe that I'm just doing the same stupid things over and over again. I teased an adorable person named E who I have a significantly higher chance of getting with earlier and as good as it felt while I was doing it, I not only feel like shit for kinda semi-leading E on but also for the fact that I did it while 'with' Nyx. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head regarding actually going out and doing something with someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick and tired and just over all shitty while my mind is slowly just fucking me over and over again and I have no fucking clue what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with all this bullshit going on.

Again, I'm doing something and getting into a situation where I can accurately predict the outcome and my own devastation yet still I can't stop myself from wanting that slight moment of pleasure and ecstasy. I get such a high off of positive attention and if I'm offered even just the slightest taste, I run towards it without a care in the world, full well knowing the inevitable risks and consequences of my actions. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings and these thoughts. I hate being a slave to something so fucking mundane. I hate how my vice is just a compliment that helps me feel better about my pathetic stupid self-image.

Fuck me. Just fuck me and everything I do to myself.