Désespéré

Or Hopeless

It's always like this. Infatuation, obsession, hopeless romanticism, call it what you will, it always ends up this way. Show me the least bit of attention and watch me go head over heels. Am I really so attention starved that just a few compliments peppered here and there throughout some conversation attracts me so very much? Am I so stupid as to believe I have a shot with any person that shows the slightest interest in me?

I must be. Despite how I recognize my irrational behavior and thought processes, I still fall prey to my own horrible habits. Why do I like someone I've only met twice? Sure, there's that great smile, pretty eyes, and awesome personality but I still don't know who they are as a person or friend. And yes, I was given attention but that doesn't mean there is interest in me.

I know I need to stop equating being nice with being interested, but how can I tell the difference if no one has been interested in the first place? I feel as though I am the easiest person to seduce. A little flirting throws me for a loop and I am in your clutches.

I need to sleep. My body is drained, sore, and ill. It's only at times like these, when I'm already physically vulnerable, does my mind decide to let loose the deluge of stupid thoughts that I hate myself for.

The times you feel most alone are the times when even your body and mind betray you.

Épouvantable

Or unpleasant

Maybe deriving more pleasure than one should from another's misfortune is bad, but honestly I can't seem to care. Who cares if I'm going to hell for it? I'm feeling good all the way down.

La Licorne

Or Unicorn

I often wonder what's wrong with me. I have no drive most of the time and even though I realize the magnitude of my actions, I just can't bring myself to actually do what needs to be done. Everything is rushed and last minute despite the fact that I have all the time in the world. I ask myself "Why aren't you smart like your friends?" I mean, the people I'm surrounded by are people with majors/minors like neuroscience & biology/psychology & philosophy, advertising & psychology/women and gender studies, or pre-medical students focusing on biochemistry and psychology or something.

I know i shouldn't compare myself to them and do the best I can, except I know that I'm not doing my best. I feel like sometimes as much as I know and need to try, I really just can't. It's beyond feeling like a failure, failures at least try and don't succeed. I don't even get to the end result. I really don't know what's wrong with me...

When will things start becoming clearer?

Parfait

Or perfect

Sometimes when you wish for things, those wishes build and pile up until they finally come true. However, if you wish for the same thing over and over, that wish gets magnified by the same amount. What ends up happening is when we're together it's great but when we're apart I get vicious. There's no turning me around. So now, here is where I make my decision. Do I let it wilt like a cut flower, slowly dying, while cherishing it in the future? Or do I instead try to graft it onto my own life, trying to keep it alive?

It's hard to say when what you've wished for isn't want you wanted. It's hard to think when what you've got is what you've always dreamed of, but isn't as nice.

Future sight would be such a nice gift, even if I'm trading it for all the excitement of life.

Jamais

Or "Never"


For the short time I have been alive, I have experienced much. That which I have seen and done no doubt have created the person I am today. Yet much of what I have gone through is often experienced much later while conversely that which I have yet to experience should have already occurred.

What I mean to say is that the events that build up my life story are often ones that 'adults' experience later on in life. At the same time, the basic things I have yet to feel for myself are said to be an inevitable part of my youth. I'm only able to experience these things through images and stories shared by my friends or portrayed through the media. That which I long for seems so abundant all around me, yet still I have yet to have it for myself.

Perdu

Or lost



It's funny when something once held so dear becomes something so easily given away. The one moment imagined as something inexplicably fantastical is nothing but a mere cliche. Maybe the moment isn't what should be cherished. Maybe the person sharing the moment is what's important.

Effacer

Or erase

The higher I try to climb, the further I slide down. Two steps forward and three steps back. It seems in some twisted way I've been buried under despite my careful planning. Little by little, chipping away at the mountain, a reprieve is all I desire. Empty is how I want my plate, full is the reality. One more day, just pushing through. I suppose sometimes your speed is stuck at slow.

Le Pire

Or the worst

No matter how much you realize it, no matter how much you say you must, there will always be a difference between thinking and doing.

Because of that, I need to let you go.

Épais

Or Thick

Try as I might, it's just spread on too thick. All the little rivulets of understanding are getting filled in and somewhere the seashell message is getting lost. I swear if you could find it and put it to your ear, you would hear what you need to hear. Just know that no matter how hard it is, what you need to hear isn't always what you want to hear.

Brume

Or Haze

I tried to be realistic, tried to keep it in the moment, but visions of grandeur and fantasy often overtook you. I suppose I should have been more like you (considering where I'm left is not where I would like to be) but at the same time, I did it for you. I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe I should have been more forceful, maybe I should have set the line straight. I should have stopped guessing and worrying about the unknown.

We can never see the future.

Pendant

Or During

They say that when you know someone, when you really really know them, everything is in sync. But everyone has skeletons in their closets and no one is completely truthful. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, when the end comes how many secrets are left untold?

Feuille

Leaf Or Sheet

When you can't see over the hills, when the end is unpredictable, how sure are the decisions made? What if everything done has been in vain? How is hope kept alive and nourished when nothing is given? When wishes wither and dreams fade away, the body becomes a shell and the mind lives no more. Resignation to become a machine, working towards a goal that means and fulfills nothing. The first day of darkness has begun.

Je me sens seul

I feel lonely

Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.

Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Se Manquer

Or To Miss

I believe the photo is appropriate. It has been quite a while, hasn't it? I apologize for my absence. I hope you're all well. A little recap is in order, right?

My fall semester ended terribly (by my own standards and on that note by my own fault.) The mood phase I go through affectionately called my void phase came through again and really just messed me up. Spring semester is when I'll do really well though. Better classes and all that.

I went through work drama which I'd rather not go through all over again, so null on that.

And so, Nyx isn't coming to see me any more. Parents are being all retarded and such. In all honesty, I should have expected it all things considered. Shit usually happens to me around this time of year. I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm just sick of being disappointed. For once, I just want something I look so eagerly towards to not crash and burn. I am just so done. I am just so sick and tired of being left hanging.

I just want someone to be here. He said he'd kiss me when the ball dropped. He said so much and I got so excited. I finally had someone who would tell me I was good for them even if I wasn't. I finally had someone who would make me not feel so lonely anymore. I had someone who would tell me I was beautiful and perfect. I had someone who finally saw me. Instead, I'm left again with this stabbing cliffhanger that hurts like a mother.

And on top of it, I feel like a whiny fucking bitch just bringing it up. I feel just so fucking stupid for saying all this. I shouldn't have even talked about it. Forget it, all I want to do is just drink right now.

Feu

Fire




When they dwindle, when they burst. An inferno or just fading embers. Whether it's a slow start or a massive combustion. As much as I may say that it has died, it will always be there. Whether as the smallest spark of flame or blazing incandescence, it's always alive.

Oh, by the way, Nyx is better.

Falloir

To Be Necessary




The latest musical obsession is "Wedding Dress" by Taeyang of Big Bang (solo album)

So next year's schedule is absolutely amazing and I am so excited but at the same time, I need to pass my probability and statistics course or else a lot of it falls apart (especially my major, psychology.)

I'm having a lot of doubts and conflicts as well as self-loathing (surprise surprise.) I stayed up all night again, getting pretty much no work done. I know no one will be pleased with this semester's final grades, but whatever gets me by, right? I mean, I should do all that I can but at the same time I have no one to blame for all my shortcomings but myself and that more than anything hurts like a stab wound in the stomach. I just can't get rid of these stupid feelings and thoughts nor can I separate out the things I need to. I feel like my shell is caving in, and it really couldn't have chosen a worse time.

I need to buckle down and get all this shit together, or I am fucked.

On a side note, I am really worried about Nyx. He texted me saying he had a throat infection on Monday and that he was pretty much bed ridden. I know it's only been like 3 days but you know me. I'm like Mister-fucking-Mom. I worry like crazy and over-react and over-think. I really do hope he's okay.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Like the Blinking City Lights

Hours after hours, bouncing back and forth, things moving when we know they aren't. After a bit of thought, everything just rests at okay. Neutral? Still? Silent? Who knows? I just know it's beautiful in its cruelty and simplicity. I know it's sad and pathetic in its grace and magnificence. Too flowery? Maybe that's the way it should be. The night passed without incident though thoughts still rage on and on. It's been another night without sleep and I shouldn't be here.