La Licorne

Or Unicorn

I often wonder what's wrong with me. I have no drive most of the time and even though I realize the magnitude of my actions, I just can't bring myself to actually do what needs to be done. Everything is rushed and last minute despite the fact that I have all the time in the world. I ask myself "Why aren't you smart like your friends?" I mean, the people I'm surrounded by are people with majors/minors like neuroscience & biology/psychology & philosophy, advertising & psychology/women and gender studies, or pre-medical students focusing on biochemistry and psychology or something.

I know i shouldn't compare myself to them and do the best I can, except I know that I'm not doing my best. I feel like sometimes as much as I know and need to try, I really just can't. It's beyond feeling like a failure, failures at least try and don't succeed. I don't even get to the end result. I really don't know what's wrong with me...

When will things start becoming clearer?

Parfait

Or perfect

Sometimes when you wish for things, those wishes build and pile up until they finally come true. However, if you wish for the same thing over and over, that wish gets magnified by the same amount. What ends up happening is when we're together it's great but when we're apart I get vicious. There's no turning me around. So now, here is where I make my decision. Do I let it wilt like a cut flower, slowly dying, while cherishing it in the future? Or do I instead try to graft it onto my own life, trying to keep it alive?

It's hard to say when what you've wished for isn't want you wanted. It's hard to think when what you've got is what you've always dreamed of, but isn't as nice.

Future sight would be such a nice gift, even if I'm trading it for all the excitement of life.

Jamais

Or "Never"


For the short time I have been alive, I have experienced much. That which I have seen and done no doubt have created the person I am today. Yet much of what I have gone through is often experienced much later while conversely that which I have yet to experience should have already occurred.

What I mean to say is that the events that build up my life story are often ones that 'adults' experience later on in life. At the same time, the basic things I have yet to feel for myself are said to be an inevitable part of my youth. I'm only able to experience these things through images and stories shared by my friends or portrayed through the media. That which I long for seems so abundant all around me, yet still I have yet to have it for myself.

Pendant

Or During

They say that when you know someone, when you really really know them, everything is in sync. But everyone has skeletons in their closets and no one is completely truthful. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, when the end comes how many secrets are left untold?

Je me sens seul

I feel lonely

Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.

Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?