Je me sens seul

I feel lonely

Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.

Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.

I'm an idiot.

I've never been like this. Or rather, I don't ever recall having ever been like this. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. I guess it'd be best to go from the start, right?

So a little while ago, no more than a week or two's time, I was online in a chat and came across someone we'll name Nyx. Now definitely, Nyx caught my attention right away. The smile, the face, the hair, everything. Literally perfection. A smile that's like a net and a sense of humor to die for. Anyways the second I saw this kid, I knew it would be someone I liked. So soon enough, I turned on the flirting, there was reciprocation and then bam, we're together but not labeled or anything. People would ask and all I could say is that I'm happy when talking to Nyx and that it's Nyx that puts me in a good mood.

Now, a little bit ago I hadn't talked to Nyx for a whole day (oh wow, such a long time. I know, I'm pathetic) and began, as I always do, to over react and just generally be sad. Everything was just generally sucking at that point and of course this just had to be the icing on the cake. If there was any simple way to describe the way I was, it would be like me being a pathetic love sick school girl and Nyx being the senior who I couldn't possibly touch. Obviously I was being stupid as I do this often and again, I assume too much.

The thing is, I hate feeling like this. I hate having this stupid feeling in my stomach just wanting so much to see someone or wanting so badly just for a little bit of attention. I hate how if I'm not the center of attention sometimes, I just get angry. I don't know why it is but I just act this way and I don't fucking like it. It's been so long since someone has liked me and I don't know why it just somehow whips me. I'm a slave to a need for attention and even more so for someone's compliments.

Fast forward to now, where Nyx and I are good (I assume...) as I sit here mulling over stupid shit I shouldn't and feeling stupid for things I've done and things I'm thinking. I can't believe that I'm just doing the same stupid things over and over again. I teased an adorable person named E who I have a significantly higher chance of getting with earlier and as good as it felt while I was doing it, I not only feel like shit for kinda semi-leading E on but also for the fact that I did it while 'with' Nyx. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head regarding actually going out and doing something with someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick and tired and just over all shitty while my mind is slowly just fucking me over and over again and I have no fucking clue what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with all this bullshit going on.

Again, I'm doing something and getting into a situation where I can accurately predict the outcome and my own devastation yet still I can't stop myself from wanting that slight moment of pleasure and ecstasy. I get such a high off of positive attention and if I'm offered even just the slightest taste, I run towards it without a care in the world, full well knowing the inevitable risks and consequences of my actions. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings and these thoughts. I hate being a slave to something so fucking mundane. I hate how my vice is just a compliment that helps me feel better about my pathetic stupid self-image.

Fuck me. Just fuck me and everything I do to myself.