La Licorne

Or Unicorn

I often wonder what's wrong with me. I have no drive most of the time and even though I realize the magnitude of my actions, I just can't bring myself to actually do what needs to be done. Everything is rushed and last minute despite the fact that I have all the time in the world. I ask myself "Why aren't you smart like your friends?" I mean, the people I'm surrounded by are people with majors/minors like neuroscience & biology/psychology & philosophy, advertising & psychology/women and gender studies, or pre-medical students focusing on biochemistry and psychology or something.

I know i shouldn't compare myself to them and do the best I can, except I know that I'm not doing my best. I feel like sometimes as much as I know and need to try, I really just can't. It's beyond feeling like a failure, failures at least try and don't succeed. I don't even get to the end result. I really don't know what's wrong with me...

When will things start becoming clearer?

Effacer

Or erase

The higher I try to climb, the further I slide down. Two steps forward and three steps back. It seems in some twisted way I've been buried under despite my careful planning. Little by little, chipping away at the mountain, a reprieve is all I desire. Empty is how I want my plate, full is the reality. One more day, just pushing through. I suppose sometimes your speed is stuck at slow.

Je me sens seul

I feel lonely

Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.

Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Se Manquer

Or To Miss

I believe the photo is appropriate. It has been quite a while, hasn't it? I apologize for my absence. I hope you're all well. A little recap is in order, right?

My fall semester ended terribly (by my own standards and on that note by my own fault.) The mood phase I go through affectionately called my void phase came through again and really just messed me up. Spring semester is when I'll do really well though. Better classes and all that.

I went through work drama which I'd rather not go through all over again, so null on that.

And so, Nyx isn't coming to see me any more. Parents are being all retarded and such. In all honesty, I should have expected it all things considered. Shit usually happens to me around this time of year. I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm just sick of being disappointed. For once, I just want something I look so eagerly towards to not crash and burn. I am just so done. I am just so sick and tired of being left hanging.

I just want someone to be here. He said he'd kiss me when the ball dropped. He said so much and I got so excited. I finally had someone who would tell me I was good for them even if I wasn't. I finally had someone who would make me not feel so lonely anymore. I had someone who would tell me I was beautiful and perfect. I had someone who finally saw me. Instead, I'm left again with this stabbing cliffhanger that hurts like a mother.

And on top of it, I feel like a whiny fucking bitch just bringing it up. I feel just so fucking stupid for saying all this. I shouldn't have even talked about it. Forget it, all I want to do is just drink right now.