Perdu

Or lost



It's funny when something once held so dear becomes something so easily given away. The one moment imagined as something inexplicably fantastical is nothing but a mere cliche. Maybe the moment isn't what should be cherished. Maybe the person sharing the moment is what's important.

Effacer

Or erase

The higher I try to climb, the further I slide down. Two steps forward and three steps back. It seems in some twisted way I've been buried under despite my careful planning. Little by little, chipping away at the mountain, a reprieve is all I desire. Empty is how I want my plate, full is the reality. One more day, just pushing through. I suppose sometimes your speed is stuck at slow.

Le Pire

Or the worst

No matter how much you realize it, no matter how much you say you must, there will always be a difference between thinking and doing.

Because of that, I need to let you go.

Épais

Or Thick

Try as I might, it's just spread on too thick. All the little rivulets of understanding are getting filled in and somewhere the seashell message is getting lost. I swear if you could find it and put it to your ear, you would hear what you need to hear. Just know that no matter how hard it is, what you need to hear isn't always what you want to hear.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Falloir

To Be Necessary




The latest musical obsession is "Wedding Dress" by Taeyang of Big Bang (solo album)

So next year's schedule is absolutely amazing and I am so excited but at the same time, I need to pass my probability and statistics course or else a lot of it falls apart (especially my major, psychology.)

I'm having a lot of doubts and conflicts as well as self-loathing (surprise surprise.) I stayed up all night again, getting pretty much no work done. I know no one will be pleased with this semester's final grades, but whatever gets me by, right? I mean, I should do all that I can but at the same time I have no one to blame for all my shortcomings but myself and that more than anything hurts like a stab wound in the stomach. I just can't get rid of these stupid feelings and thoughts nor can I separate out the things I need to. I feel like my shell is caving in, and it really couldn't have chosen a worse time.

I need to buckle down and get all this shit together, or I am fucked.

On a side note, I am really worried about Nyx. He texted me saying he had a throat infection on Monday and that he was pretty much bed ridden. I know it's only been like 3 days but you know me. I'm like Mister-fucking-Mom. I worry like crazy and over-react and over-think. I really do hope he's okay.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Like the Blinking City Lights

Hours after hours, bouncing back and forth, things moving when we know they aren't. After a bit of thought, everything just rests at okay. Neutral? Still? Silent? Who knows? I just know it's beautiful in its cruelty and simplicity. I know it's sad and pathetic in its grace and magnificence. Too flowery? Maybe that's the way it should be. The night passed without incident though thoughts still rage on and on. It's been another night without sleep and I shouldn't be here.

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.

Sans Dormir

Or Without Sleep

So, I didn't sleep more than like 3 hours last night so I should be intensely tired, yet I'm only kinda sorta. And since I am only kinda sorta tired, I know that it's deep exhaustion. I got back from my freshman forum shared experience show. (Telling you which one would be just too easy, don't you think?)

I'm really lonely. Wow, reading that alone makes me feel so pathetic. Regardless, I am. Yeah, I have my friends and all but there's no one for me here. I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can hold and that will hold me. I've yet to be in a real physical relationship and I just need to know if that's really what I'm missing. I know that they're not all sugar kisses and roses. I know they're hard work and often more trouble than their worth, but I just want someone who likes me for once. I want to have someone who wants more than just a fuck (not that I've ever done that. I am still very much so a virgin.)

I don't know. A lot is going through my head right now.