Désespéré

Or Hopeless

It's always like this. Infatuation, obsession, hopeless romanticism, call it what you will, it always ends up this way. Show me the least bit of attention and watch me go head over heels. Am I really so attention starved that just a few compliments peppered here and there throughout some conversation attracts me so very much? Am I so stupid as to believe I have a shot with any person that shows the slightest interest in me?

I must be. Despite how I recognize my irrational behavior and thought processes, I still fall prey to my own horrible habits. Why do I like someone I've only met twice? Sure, there's that great smile, pretty eyes, and awesome personality but I still don't know who they are as a person or friend. And yes, I was given attention but that doesn't mean there is interest in me.

I know I need to stop equating being nice with being interested, but how can I tell the difference if no one has been interested in the first place? I feel as though I am the easiest person to seduce. A little flirting throws me for a loop and I am in your clutches.

I need to sleep. My body is drained, sore, and ill. It's only at times like these, when I'm already physically vulnerable, does my mind decide to let loose the deluge of stupid thoughts that I hate myself for.

The times you feel most alone are the times when even your body and mind betray you.

Épouvantable

Or unpleasant

Maybe deriving more pleasure than one should from another's misfortune is bad, but honestly I can't seem to care. Who cares if I'm going to hell for it? I'm feeling good all the way down.

Parfait

Or perfect

Sometimes when you wish for things, those wishes build and pile up until they finally come true. However, if you wish for the same thing over and over, that wish gets magnified by the same amount. What ends up happening is when we're together it's great but when we're apart I get vicious. There's no turning me around. So now, here is where I make my decision. Do I let it wilt like a cut flower, slowly dying, while cherishing it in the future? Or do I instead try to graft it onto my own life, trying to keep it alive?

It's hard to say when what you've wished for isn't want you wanted. It's hard to think when what you've got is what you've always dreamed of, but isn't as nice.

Future sight would be such a nice gift, even if I'm trading it for all the excitement of life.

Perdu

Or lost



It's funny when something once held so dear becomes something so easily given away. The one moment imagined as something inexplicably fantastical is nothing but a mere cliche. Maybe the moment isn't what should be cherished. Maybe the person sharing the moment is what's important.

Effacer

Or erase

The higher I try to climb, the further I slide down. Two steps forward and three steps back. It seems in some twisted way I've been buried under despite my careful planning. Little by little, chipping away at the mountain, a reprieve is all I desire. Empty is how I want my plate, full is the reality. One more day, just pushing through. I suppose sometimes your speed is stuck at slow.

Le Pire

Or the worst

No matter how much you realize it, no matter how much you say you must, there will always be a difference between thinking and doing.

Because of that, I need to let you go.

Épais

Or Thick

Try as I might, it's just spread on too thick. All the little rivulets of understanding are getting filled in and somewhere the seashell message is getting lost. I swear if you could find it and put it to your ear, you would hear what you need to hear. Just know that no matter how hard it is, what you need to hear isn't always what you want to hear.

Brume

Or Haze

I tried to be realistic, tried to keep it in the moment, but visions of grandeur and fantasy often overtook you. I suppose I should have been more like you (considering where I'm left is not where I would like to be) but at the same time, I did it for you. I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe I should have been more forceful, maybe I should have set the line straight. I should have stopped guessing and worrying about the unknown.

We can never see the future.

Feuille

Leaf Or Sheet

When you can't see over the hills, when the end is unpredictable, how sure are the decisions made? What if everything done has been in vain? How is hope kept alive and nourished when nothing is given? When wishes wither and dreams fade away, the body becomes a shell and the mind lives no more. Resignation to become a machine, working towards a goal that means and fulfills nothing. The first day of darkness has begun.

Feu

Fire




When they dwindle, when they burst. An inferno or just fading embers. Whether it's a slow start or a massive combustion. As much as I may say that it has died, it will always be there. Whether as the smallest spark of flame or blazing incandescence, it's always alive.

Oh, by the way, Nyx is better.

Falloir

To Be Necessary




The latest musical obsession is "Wedding Dress" by Taeyang of Big Bang (solo album)

So next year's schedule is absolutely amazing and I am so excited but at the same time, I need to pass my probability and statistics course or else a lot of it falls apart (especially my major, psychology.)

I'm having a lot of doubts and conflicts as well as self-loathing (surprise surprise.) I stayed up all night again, getting pretty much no work done. I know no one will be pleased with this semester's final grades, but whatever gets me by, right? I mean, I should do all that I can but at the same time I have no one to blame for all my shortcomings but myself and that more than anything hurts like a stab wound in the stomach. I just can't get rid of these stupid feelings and thoughts nor can I separate out the things I need to. I feel like my shell is caving in, and it really couldn't have chosen a worse time.

I need to buckle down and get all this shit together, or I am fucked.

On a side note, I am really worried about Nyx. He texted me saying he had a throat infection on Monday and that he was pretty much bed ridden. I know it's only been like 3 days but you know me. I'm like Mister-fucking-Mom. I worry like crazy and over-react and over-think. I really do hope he's okay.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.

I'm an idiot.

I've never been like this. Or rather, I don't ever recall having ever been like this. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. I guess it'd be best to go from the start, right?

So a little while ago, no more than a week or two's time, I was online in a chat and came across someone we'll name Nyx. Now definitely, Nyx caught my attention right away. The smile, the face, the hair, everything. Literally perfection. A smile that's like a net and a sense of humor to die for. Anyways the second I saw this kid, I knew it would be someone I liked. So soon enough, I turned on the flirting, there was reciprocation and then bam, we're together but not labeled or anything. People would ask and all I could say is that I'm happy when talking to Nyx and that it's Nyx that puts me in a good mood.

Now, a little bit ago I hadn't talked to Nyx for a whole day (oh wow, such a long time. I know, I'm pathetic) and began, as I always do, to over react and just generally be sad. Everything was just generally sucking at that point and of course this just had to be the icing on the cake. If there was any simple way to describe the way I was, it would be like me being a pathetic love sick school girl and Nyx being the senior who I couldn't possibly touch. Obviously I was being stupid as I do this often and again, I assume too much.

The thing is, I hate feeling like this. I hate having this stupid feeling in my stomach just wanting so much to see someone or wanting so badly just for a little bit of attention. I hate how if I'm not the center of attention sometimes, I just get angry. I don't know why it is but I just act this way and I don't fucking like it. It's been so long since someone has liked me and I don't know why it just somehow whips me. I'm a slave to a need for attention and even more so for someone's compliments.

Fast forward to now, where Nyx and I are good (I assume...) as I sit here mulling over stupid shit I shouldn't and feeling stupid for things I've done and things I'm thinking. I can't believe that I'm just doing the same stupid things over and over again. I teased an adorable person named E who I have a significantly higher chance of getting with earlier and as good as it felt while I was doing it, I not only feel like shit for kinda semi-leading E on but also for the fact that I did it while 'with' Nyx. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head regarding actually going out and doing something with someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick and tired and just over all shitty while my mind is slowly just fucking me over and over again and I have no fucking clue what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with all this bullshit going on.

Again, I'm doing something and getting into a situation where I can accurately predict the outcome and my own devastation yet still I can't stop myself from wanting that slight moment of pleasure and ecstasy. I get such a high off of positive attention and if I'm offered even just the slightest taste, I run towards it without a care in the world, full well knowing the inevitable risks and consequences of my actions. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings and these thoughts. I hate being a slave to something so fucking mundane. I hate how my vice is just a compliment that helps me feel better about my pathetic stupid self-image.

Fuck me. Just fuck me and everything I do to myself.

Se Demander

Or To Wonder

I don't quite know why but it seems things are steadily going downhill. I'm going into another one of my moods again and I don't know how long it'll last this time. Last year I remember it went on for a good 4 months, during which, nothing was achieved and I was seemingly in an inescapable pit.

I don't like this, then again, I don't suppose anyone would.

Short entry today...I might come back to it, I don't know.

L'étincelle

Or Flicker

It's weird right now. How I'm feeling is just really really odd and bizarre. I don't like it but it isn't unbearable...

I guess I'm just fed up. I'm living up to the random name I chose for this blog. I'm as wingless and helpless as the name implies. I'm just so sick of dealing with stuff I thought I left behind. I'm at fucking college. I shouldn't have to deal with the bullshit 'she said, he said' crap. I didn't want to go from one high school to another bigger one.

I'm just so tired of the lack of maturity here. I'm so so done with having to play Dr.Phil like I did to all my friends back home. I knew them longer, so it was easier. Here, I barely know these people. Only one or so seem to be sensible and actually mature. D is fucking fantastic and the most sane of them all, possibly with EP coming in at a moderate-distant second. Regardless, some of the people here are just so fucking difficult.

Yeah, I like them all. They're great friends but they all need to learn to grow some fucking spine and gain some maturity. I have my own god damn issues, I don't need to have you whining about something that could fixed with you stepping just a little outside of your comfort zone.

Wanna know what else tops it all off? I am now, more than fucking ever, feeling so god fucking forsaken alone. It's so fucking ridiculous. Where the fuck do I ever catch a break? When does someone ever hold me? I'm so done with being the nurturer. I mean, I'm glad to help, really I am. But so rarely does anyone ever help me. Yeah, I know I'm closed off and never truly open but honestly? It seems no one's interested and I'm just supposed to go on alone and pissed.

Fuck this. Fuck the situation. Fuck how stereotypical angst-filled teen this sounds. Fuck all of it. I don't know how much more I can take

Sans Dormir

Or Without Sleep

So, I didn't sleep more than like 3 hours last night so I should be intensely tired, yet I'm only kinda sorta. And since I am only kinda sorta tired, I know that it's deep exhaustion. I got back from my freshman forum shared experience show. (Telling you which one would be just too easy, don't you think?)

I'm really lonely. Wow, reading that alone makes me feel so pathetic. Regardless, I am. Yeah, I have my friends and all but there's no one for me here. I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can hold and that will hold me. I've yet to be in a real physical relationship and I just need to know if that's really what I'm missing. I know that they're not all sugar kisses and roses. I know they're hard work and often more trouble than their worth, but I just want someone who likes me for once. I want to have someone who wants more than just a fuck (not that I've ever done that. I am still very much so a virgin.)

I don't know. A lot is going through my head right now.