Feuille

Leaf Or Sheet

When you can't see over the hills, when the end is unpredictable, how sure are the decisions made? What if everything done has been in vain? How is hope kept alive and nourished when nothing is given? When wishes wither and dreams fade away, the body becomes a shell and the mind lives no more. Resignation to become a machine, working towards a goal that means and fulfills nothing. The first day of darkness has begun.

Je me sens seul

I feel lonely

Jumping headfirst has never worked. Off the diving board straight down into an empty pool. It's without intelligence and logic, it's ridiculous and stupid. When all is said and done, all that's left in the wake are ruins of long ago. Rebuilding a city brick by brick is all too difficult in it of itself let alone when the storms that decimated the city in the first place come so often. No one is left and no one is coming back. No one new will be entering and that leave but one lone worker hoping all hasn't been in vain. Except, it has.

Waiting for something that will never come is utterly ridiculous and stupid. There is no one here for me and honestly I doubt there will be. I'm so frustrated and jealous and hateful and sad and angry and irritated and helpless. It's almost laughable, really, to see how pathetic I've become. I honestly couldn't ever see myself slumping so low. I hate this. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I will no longer allow myself the privilege of doing what I would like. Only those who have earned it should be allowed to. Only those who are acceptable, beautiful, attention-worthy. I am disgusting, flawed, idiotic. I am unacceptable. I will no longer want. I will no longer give myself the silly hope of possibly being worth something. I have given up and I honestly think this will be the last time I ever give myself even a modicum of worth. I am worthless. I am nothing.

Menteur

Or Liar

I would love nothing more than to end disappointment. I would want no more than to simply attain a state of happiness without an anchor of regret that should have long since passed. The loneliness that seems to haunt me appears almost unending and yet, somehow, I am able to find rare moments to hope and want when I know all will end in naught but tears. I know better than I would like and because of that there is no place for blame, save myself. And of course it is myself who I blame. The imperfections I dwell upon, the compliments shrugged off, the torture I put myself through. Self-deprecation, punishment, internal conflict, and loathing. All stem from nothing but my own stupidity. I trust and hope and look forward to but end up disillusioned, saddened, and hurt. I am broken. I am without repair. There is more wrong with me than even I know and it is because of these flaws that I seek and crave attention so fiercely. It is, too, because of this that I believe I will never be able to have someone of my very own. Someone who will love me and someone who I myself can love. I fight through night after night seeking a reprieve from all that follows me, yet no matter what I buy, where I go, or what I do, the cloud lingers in my mind.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Rejouer

Or Replay

I really don't know what it is I'm doing lately. My mind is a swirling mess and I'm so completely out of whack it isn't even funny. I guess I should start from the beginning and in what context this is all in.

So, my last relationship was about three years ago (KB and I were together for almost two years, until KB passed away) and since then I've been in this state of romantic limbo. It's not as if I don't want a relationship, that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not being celibate but at the same time I'm okay not being involved with someone. Essentially, I've just been neutral. It seems like a state of apathy while I just dream on and on.

Anyways, something you should know about me is that while I can understand the psychological bases of my behavior and actions, I still can't stop them or myself. I know I'm attention starved and I know it's because I've been without it for so long. If any attention is given to me, I get giddy. I want to just be liked for once so once someone starts showing me any sign of attention I just get ridiculously happy.

This person we'll name J has shown a lot of interest in me. J flirts so hardcore and just seems really into me. The only issue is that J is a senior as well as thinks a bit too much about sex. I'm a virgin and could count the number of my hookups on one hand. Like I wrote about myself, I'm realistic and really skeptical about the clichés of relationships and such but I still want, perhaps even crave the 'special first time' or something. I still, stupidly enough, hold on to the 'it needs to be special' belief for some reason. I'm already regretful about my first kiss back in '08 and I don't want to look back on this as another regret.

The thing is I just don't know if I really should keep holding on to that "I want my first time to be so special" sort of idea because I feel like it'll end up biting me in the ass. It's just....since KB, I've been so neutral (bad word choice but I think you know what I mean) I just miss having someone like me. And when I say that to my friends here, they just really don't get it. They don't understand the romantic context. It's why anytime I get any sort of attention I start to glow. Just missing someone who wants to be with me to be with me.

Sometimes it just wrecks me. I just look in the mirror and laugh at how flawed I am. Sometimes I look at myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I'm just left wishing and pining away, as usual. Since KB left, I'm still left with that huge void of someone who used to always be there. I miss just how much KB cared for me. It's been years and KB's death no longer hurts me like it used to but still, I'm without the emotional healing I truly need.

I guess you could say I live off of the emotions others give to me. My friends really can only get me so far. Take for instance this person on my floor we'll call them TP. With my group of friends here TP fit right in. Intelligent, funny, and really nice. Best of all? TP actually likes me. But, of course, TP isn't interested at all. In the sense that there is a zero percent chance. So of course at the beginning, before I knew of TP's impossibility, I was crushing hard. I mean, it's not to say I don't hope one of these days TP will just ask me out, I just know it'll never come. I'm just sick of being disappointed and almost 'teased' by whatever powers that are out there and waiting for a relationship that will almost surely never come (not specifically with TP but in general.)

And so, the self-destructive cycle starts all over again or, rather, it just continues. I listen to songs I know will make me sad but I still can't stop no matter how much I try. I'm looping this song over and over again, even though I know it doesn't help my mindset in any way. I think back to how it used to be and how much I miss the days long gone. I mean, I can't say I've been trying super hard but sometimes I just think about it. I wonder what it is I could do or what I'm doing wrong or not doing. I wonder what it is that's so wrong with me. I stare at myself and find every single flaw. I rip myself to pieces and still there is nothing. I know that it's destructive. I know that it's bad. But I'm starting to think it's the sole thing that keeps me going.

Se Demander

Or To Wonder

I don't quite know why but it seems things are steadily going downhill. I'm going into another one of my moods again and I don't know how long it'll last this time. Last year I remember it went on for a good 4 months, during which, nothing was achieved and I was seemingly in an inescapable pit.

I don't like this, then again, I don't suppose anyone would.

Short entry today...I might come back to it, I don't know.

Sans Dormir

Or Without Sleep

So, I didn't sleep more than like 3 hours last night so I should be intensely tired, yet I'm only kinda sorta. And since I am only kinda sorta tired, I know that it's deep exhaustion. I got back from my freshman forum shared experience show. (Telling you which one would be just too easy, don't you think?)

I'm really lonely. Wow, reading that alone makes me feel so pathetic. Regardless, I am. Yeah, I have my friends and all but there's no one for me here. I want a boyfriend. I want someone that I can hold and that will hold me. I've yet to be in a real physical relationship and I just need to know if that's really what I'm missing. I know that they're not all sugar kisses and roses. I know they're hard work and often more trouble than their worth, but I just want someone who likes me for once. I want to have someone who wants more than just a fuck (not that I've ever done that. I am still very much so a virgin.)

I don't know. A lot is going through my head right now.