Se Manquer

Or To Miss

I believe the photo is appropriate. It has been quite a while, hasn't it? I apologize for my absence. I hope you're all well. A little recap is in order, right?

My fall semester ended terribly (by my own standards and on that note by my own fault.) The mood phase I go through affectionately called my void phase came through again and really just messed me up. Spring semester is when I'll do really well though. Better classes and all that.

I went through work drama which I'd rather not go through all over again, so null on that.

And so, Nyx isn't coming to see me any more. Parents are being all retarded and such. In all honesty, I should have expected it all things considered. Shit usually happens to me around this time of year. I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm just sick of being disappointed. For once, I just want something I look so eagerly towards to not crash and burn. I am just so done. I am just so sick and tired of being left hanging.

I just want someone to be here. He said he'd kiss me when the ball dropped. He said so much and I got so excited. I finally had someone who would tell me I was good for them even if I wasn't. I finally had someone who would make me not feel so lonely anymore. I had someone who would tell me I was beautiful and perfect. I had someone who finally saw me. Instead, I'm left again with this stabbing cliffhanger that hurts like a mother.

And on top of it, I feel like a whiny fucking bitch just bringing it up. I feel just so fucking stupid for saying all this. I shouldn't have even talked about it. Forget it, all I want to do is just drink right now.

Feu

Fire




When they dwindle, when they burst. An inferno or just fading embers. Whether it's a slow start or a massive combustion. As much as I may say that it has died, it will always be there. Whether as the smallest spark of flame or blazing incandescence, it's always alive.

Oh, by the way, Nyx is better.

Falloir

To Be Necessary




The latest musical obsession is "Wedding Dress" by Taeyang of Big Bang (solo album)

So next year's schedule is absolutely amazing and I am so excited but at the same time, I need to pass my probability and statistics course or else a lot of it falls apart (especially my major, psychology.)

I'm having a lot of doubts and conflicts as well as self-loathing (surprise surprise.) I stayed up all night again, getting pretty much no work done. I know no one will be pleased with this semester's final grades, but whatever gets me by, right? I mean, I should do all that I can but at the same time I have no one to blame for all my shortcomings but myself and that more than anything hurts like a stab wound in the stomach. I just can't get rid of these stupid feelings and thoughts nor can I separate out the things I need to. I feel like my shell is caving in, and it really couldn't have chosen a worse time.

I need to buckle down and get all this shit together, or I am fucked.

On a side note, I am really worried about Nyx. He texted me saying he had a throat infection on Monday and that he was pretty much bed ridden. I know it's only been like 3 days but you know me. I'm like Mister-fucking-Mom. I worry like crazy and over-react and over-think. I really do hope he's okay.

Combien coût?

How much does it cost?

I Wrote This For You: The Orderly Queue

I wonder how much of me is left. Maybe I'm almost complete and all I've been giving away are counterfeit pieces? I think I know who I am. I mean I know my name at the very least. Then again, aren't you who you know and what they think you are? I mean your being has to come from some place.

I don't even know what this is right now. I want someone to give everything to and I know in my heart that if I really want me and Nyx to work, it will take more work than anything. We're both in college for Christ's sake, let alone the distance of being across the nation from one another being a factor.

I don't know where one problem ends and another begins. I'm not scared, just worried.

Vide

Empty


What do you talk about when all that's left to talk about is nothing?

Like the Blinking City Lights

Hours after hours, bouncing back and forth, things moving when we know they aren't. After a bit of thought, everything just rests at okay. Neutral? Still? Silent? Who knows? I just know it's beautiful in its cruelty and simplicity. I know it's sad and pathetic in its grace and magnificence. Too flowery? Maybe that's the way it should be. The night passed without incident though thoughts still rage on and on. It's been another night without sleep and I shouldn't be here.

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.