Like the Blinking City Lights

Hours after hours, bouncing back and forth, things moving when we know they aren't. After a bit of thought, everything just rests at okay. Neutral? Still? Silent? Who knows? I just know it's beautiful in its cruelty and simplicity. I know it's sad and pathetic in its grace and magnificence. Too flowery? Maybe that's the way it should be. The night passed without incident though thoughts still rage on and on. It's been another night without sleep and I shouldn't be here.

Conflit Intérieur

Or Inner Conflict

I really don't know anymore. It's been so long since I've been with anyone that I can't recall any of the emotions a relationship conjures up. I know that I'm just over thinking and internalizing and being paranoid but at the same time I can't help it. I want so badly for Nyx to be someone I can trust, someone that I can have a relationship with even if it is difficult. I can't understand for the life of me why I'm being like this and making myself just die.

Nyx and I haven't really talked in about two days or so which has got me all crazy. Now before you think I'm being a love sick idiot, know that he signed on today (way early morning today, I pulled an all-nighter...again haha) and I IM'd him but he didn't answer. I mean, I know he was online (yeah, here is the stalkerish part...) since his Facebook showed him doing stuff. I mean, I know we're not going to be talking 24/7. I know in my mind that that's just not okay for me to get so attached. I know these things and I've been telling myself these things for the longest time.

So why do I still do them?

I'm honestly just going insane and letting my mind just rip itself to shreds. I'm tired and hungry and just completely out of control. I feel myself just falling and, in all honesty, I don't really care if I get caught. Some days I just don't even wanna get out of bed. Don't mistake this for suicidal thoughts or anything, I surely don't want to die. It's just sometimes there is really no motivation for me to actually do anything. I stayed up all night to study only to video chat and then took the exam I only studied 3ish hours for. I mean, I'm kind of confident. I scored pretty damn well on my psych exam on Tuesday without reading 3 chapters and missing a lecture, so I'm not expecting a D or C or anything. At this point, my main concern is just getting things back in gear. But again, I come across Nyx in my dilemma. I'm happy when I talk to him and I want to have some form of happiness as I work through this mess of a life of mine. However, all relationships cause both pleasure and pain which I honestly don't think I could survive. I mean if Nyx were to cut it off right now, I obviously would be hurt but I guess I'd get over it pretty fast. I, like so many other people, just really don't want to get hurt. And therein lies my idiocy in going for a relationship knowing full well that pain is inevitable.

This is but a small piece of who I am which is so completely ridiculous. I don't understand how anyone could possibly find me attractive, let alone want to pursue a relationship. My body is deteriorating from ugly to hideous and in all honesty the sight of my own body makes me want to vomit. I have someone who likes me, yet I don't fully believe that they do.

What do I do? What can I do? Argh. Just fuck.

I'm an idiot.

I've never been like this. Or rather, I don't ever recall having ever been like this. I hate it and I love it all at the same time. I guess it'd be best to go from the start, right?

So a little while ago, no more than a week or two's time, I was online in a chat and came across someone we'll name Nyx. Now definitely, Nyx caught my attention right away. The smile, the face, the hair, everything. Literally perfection. A smile that's like a net and a sense of humor to die for. Anyways the second I saw this kid, I knew it would be someone I liked. So soon enough, I turned on the flirting, there was reciprocation and then bam, we're together but not labeled or anything. People would ask and all I could say is that I'm happy when talking to Nyx and that it's Nyx that puts me in a good mood.

Now, a little bit ago I hadn't talked to Nyx for a whole day (oh wow, such a long time. I know, I'm pathetic) and began, as I always do, to over react and just generally be sad. Everything was just generally sucking at that point and of course this just had to be the icing on the cake. If there was any simple way to describe the way I was, it would be like me being a pathetic love sick school girl and Nyx being the senior who I couldn't possibly touch. Obviously I was being stupid as I do this often and again, I assume too much.

The thing is, I hate feeling like this. I hate having this stupid feeling in my stomach just wanting so much to see someone or wanting so badly just for a little bit of attention. I hate how if I'm not the center of attention sometimes, I just get angry. I don't know why it is but I just act this way and I don't fucking like it. It's been so long since someone has liked me and I don't know why it just somehow whips me. I'm a slave to a need for attention and even more so for someone's compliments.

Fast forward to now, where Nyx and I are good (I assume...) as I sit here mulling over stupid shit I shouldn't and feeling stupid for things I've done and things I'm thinking. I can't believe that I'm just doing the same stupid things over and over again. I teased an adorable person named E who I have a significantly higher chance of getting with earlier and as good as it felt while I was doing it, I not only feel like shit for kinda semi-leading E on but also for the fact that I did it while 'with' Nyx. Not only that, but the thoughts in my head regarding actually going out and doing something with someone else makes me feel disgusted with myself. I feel sick and tired and just over all shitty while my mind is slowly just fucking me over and over again and I have no fucking clue what the hell it is I'm supposed to do with all this bullshit going on.

Again, I'm doing something and getting into a situation where I can accurately predict the outcome and my own devastation yet still I can't stop myself from wanting that slight moment of pleasure and ecstasy. I get such a high off of positive attention and if I'm offered even just the slightest taste, I run towards it without a care in the world, full well knowing the inevitable risks and consequences of my actions. I hate being like this. I hate having these feelings and these thoughts. I hate being a slave to something so fucking mundane. I hate how my vice is just a compliment that helps me feel better about my pathetic stupid self-image.

Fuck me. Just fuck me and everything I do to myself.

La Glace

Or Ice

What's the point? I'll just cough it up anyways. Not like I should be fretting, right? And yet, still, I do. What's wrong with me? More importantly, when will it stop?

Rejouer

Or Replay

I really don't know what it is I'm doing lately. My mind is a swirling mess and I'm so completely out of whack it isn't even funny. I guess I should start from the beginning and in what context this is all in.

So, my last relationship was about three years ago (KB and I were together for almost two years, until KB passed away) and since then I've been in this state of romantic limbo. It's not as if I don't want a relationship, that statement couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm not being celibate but at the same time I'm okay not being involved with someone. Essentially, I've just been neutral. It seems like a state of apathy while I just dream on and on.

Anyways, something you should know about me is that while I can understand the psychological bases of my behavior and actions, I still can't stop them or myself. I know I'm attention starved and I know it's because I've been without it for so long. If any attention is given to me, I get giddy. I want to just be liked for once so once someone starts showing me any sign of attention I just get ridiculously happy.

This person we'll name J has shown a lot of interest in me. J flirts so hardcore and just seems really into me. The only issue is that J is a senior as well as thinks a bit too much about sex. I'm a virgin and could count the number of my hookups on one hand. Like I wrote about myself, I'm realistic and really skeptical about the clichés of relationships and such but I still want, perhaps even crave the 'special first time' or something. I still, stupidly enough, hold on to the 'it needs to be special' belief for some reason. I'm already regretful about my first kiss back in '08 and I don't want to look back on this as another regret.

The thing is I just don't know if I really should keep holding on to that "I want my first time to be so special" sort of idea because I feel like it'll end up biting me in the ass. It's just....since KB, I've been so neutral (bad word choice but I think you know what I mean) I just miss having someone like me. And when I say that to my friends here, they just really don't get it. They don't understand the romantic context. It's why anytime I get any sort of attention I start to glow. Just missing someone who wants to be with me to be with me.

Sometimes it just wrecks me. I just look in the mirror and laugh at how flawed I am. Sometimes I look at myself and can't believe how stupid I am. I'm just left wishing and pining away, as usual. Since KB left, I'm still left with that huge void of someone who used to always be there. I miss just how much KB cared for me. It's been years and KB's death no longer hurts me like it used to but still, I'm without the emotional healing I truly need.

I guess you could say I live off of the emotions others give to me. My friends really can only get me so far. Take for instance this person on my floor we'll call them TP. With my group of friends here TP fit right in. Intelligent, funny, and really nice. Best of all? TP actually likes me. But, of course, TP isn't interested at all. In the sense that there is a zero percent chance. So of course at the beginning, before I knew of TP's impossibility, I was crushing hard. I mean, it's not to say I don't hope one of these days TP will just ask me out, I just know it'll never come. I'm just sick of being disappointed and almost 'teased' by whatever powers that are out there and waiting for a relationship that will almost surely never come (not specifically with TP but in general.)

And so, the self-destructive cycle starts all over again or, rather, it just continues. I listen to songs I know will make me sad but I still can't stop no matter how much I try. I'm looping this song over and over again, even though I know it doesn't help my mindset in any way. I think back to how it used to be and how much I miss the days long gone. I mean, I can't say I've been trying super hard but sometimes I just think about it. I wonder what it is I could do or what I'm doing wrong or not doing. I wonder what it is that's so wrong with me. I stare at myself and find every single flaw. I rip myself to pieces and still there is nothing. I know that it's destructive. I know that it's bad. But I'm starting to think it's the sole thing that keeps me going.

Se Demander

Or To Wonder

I don't quite know why but it seems things are steadily going downhill. I'm going into another one of my moods again and I don't know how long it'll last this time. Last year I remember it went on for a good 4 months, during which, nothing was achieved and I was seemingly in an inescapable pit.

I don't like this, then again, I don't suppose anyone would.

Short entry today...I might come back to it, I don't know.

L'étincelle

Or Flicker

It's weird right now. How I'm feeling is just really really odd and bizarre. I don't like it but it isn't unbearable...

I guess I'm just fed up. I'm living up to the random name I chose for this blog. I'm as wingless and helpless as the name implies. I'm just so sick of dealing with stuff I thought I left behind. I'm at fucking college. I shouldn't have to deal with the bullshit 'she said, he said' crap. I didn't want to go from one high school to another bigger one.

I'm just so tired of the lack of maturity here. I'm so so done with having to play Dr.Phil like I did to all my friends back home. I knew them longer, so it was easier. Here, I barely know these people. Only one or so seem to be sensible and actually mature. D is fucking fantastic and the most sane of them all, possibly with EP coming in at a moderate-distant second. Regardless, some of the people here are just so fucking difficult.

Yeah, I like them all. They're great friends but they all need to learn to grow some fucking spine and gain some maturity. I have my own god damn issues, I don't need to have you whining about something that could fixed with you stepping just a little outside of your comfort zone.

Wanna know what else tops it all off? I am now, more than fucking ever, feeling so god fucking forsaken alone. It's so fucking ridiculous. Where the fuck do I ever catch a break? When does someone ever hold me? I'm so done with being the nurturer. I mean, I'm glad to help, really I am. But so rarely does anyone ever help me. Yeah, I know I'm closed off and never truly open but honestly? It seems no one's interested and I'm just supposed to go on alone and pissed.

Fuck this. Fuck the situation. Fuck how stereotypical angst-filled teen this sounds. Fuck all of it. I don't know how much more I can take